Trust Issues

Most of the time, I hesitate to talk with people about whom I have doubts regarding their honesty, loyalty, and authenticity. 

It's like treading in murky water.

You cannot tell whether the water is deep or shallow. 

NOTE: In the Philippines, the term "balimbing" refers to a "turncoat" who switches parties or alliances. The term is derived from the fruit balimbing (star fruit), which has many sides and symbolizes someone with various faces, shifting allegiances, and a lack of devotion to anyone.

Dear self

I have so many things to organize. Starts from all of our bedrooms, down to the basement. 

It's from top to bottom. 

Ugh!

So many things to do in so little time. 

Self, you can do this!

Was I being maldita?

 

I do not really wonder how the people from my past are doing. 

I've moved on.

Past meaning those people that I do not have any relationship with anymore, and that includes friends, relatives and even family members that I do not even have friendship with. 

Those relationships were broken, and there's no need to fix them. 

On Monday, I got a private message from a cousin about a family member that I have been estranged for over 5 years. 

I don't really think there was a need for that message, but I answered. 

"He's someone I used to know but have no relationship with anymore." 

I was told by someone that I was so maldita. 

Was I mean?

Was that rude? 

Did I say something naughty? 

Or was I a bitch for being honest? 

I begged for that family member to stay, because if we keep on being estranged we might get used to not being present in each other's life. 

His last messages were hurtful. He said that my sending him a message disturbed their peace. Along with that were "fuck yous."

I did not deserve those words but I respected his decision.

What I realized when he left was that he was right about the peace part, and that I am peaceful too without him. 

 I don't hate him. That's a waste of my energy. In fact, when he ended our relationship, I considered it as a blessing in disguise.

I wish him well and his family. But I don't think I can offer any friendship anymore. 

I love myself, and I am at peace. 

I am in my 50s, and I am really passionate about being true. 

So was I being maldita?

January 8, 2022

 When my daughter was home for the holidays, I learned from her that she's going to take Filipino language lessons. She's just waiting for an available schedule of her online tutor.

She's been learning so many languages--- French, Korean, Chinese and now Filipino.

She's already fluent with English and Bisaya (a Filipino dialect that we speak at home.)

I am excited for her to learn the language, and I can not wait to get a postcard from her using the language.

But you know what? Filipino is the language the mister and I use to speak when we talk about things that we don't want the children to know and understand.

Hihihihi.

Example, about family matters from his side and mine, or maybe about the gifts we needed to buy for their birthdays and for Christmas. 

Well, I guess we will just shift to using the "gay lingo" I learned from my friends from college, and from my colleagues back in the Philippines. I was predominantly surrounded by truly wonderful people from the LGBTQ community.

Well, maybe create our own language if gay lingo is also something my daughter will eventually pick up in the future from us. 

Hehehehe.       

                                        

January 7, 2022

I sold an item yesterday, and it has been plaguing me. 

Ugh! I just couldn't find it. 

It is a small one--2008 Walt Disney Chip & Dale Mickey Mouse ears lapel pin . 

November 22, 2021

One time, I got a call from G. 

I answered it because it has been a long time since I heard from her. 

She said that there is a gathering at C, our common friend (someone who lives a couple of blocks away), but G was specifically told not to tell me.

... because my family weren't invited. 

Thank goodness. I didn't have to make up reasons not to go.

I didn't exactly know how to feel when G told me that, but I was sure I didn't like what she did. 

C trusted G. 

G was more close to C than with me. They go on trips together, and their kids hang out all the time. 

I am not always comfortable with C. She showered me with superlative praises in front of people we know, and I haven't heard these privately---between us. I don't trust people like her. 

It is common knowledge to people who know me that I do not really have close friends but the mister, my kids, and a sibling. 

I used to be close to my two other siblings, but one drifted apart when the latter accused me about money that I didn't know anything about---money that was not mine and didn'twork hard for, and  wasn't interested at all. The other sibling is idealistic, and still wanted a relationship with that sibling, and still occasionally include him in our conversations.

When the relationship is over, it is over. I am not hateful, I am just realistic.

Greed! It is evil. 

You grab all, and you lose all.

Back to G, she made me not to trust her.  She didn't call me again after that, and I have not seen or heard from her since then. 

But this is what I recently heard from their common close friend that G and C aren't friends anymore. 

What a surprise!

How dumb!

A higher percentage of children of my friends, relatives and acquaintances living all of their lives in the Philippines are better English speakers than speaking in any Filipino language.

That is very sad, in my opinion. 

Parents, especially the mothers, blame it on Pepa Pig and other foreign kiddie shows. 

So, does that mean that their kids spend more time on gadgets and TV?

Does this mean that parents or any members of the household communicate less with the children, or do family members talk to kids primarily in the English language? Is it more encouraged?

That's sad.

Some of them find it funny that their children don't know the English translation of simple words like li-og (neck), dila (tongue), or tuhod (knee).

Come on! 

I would be ashamed if I am the parent of these kids. I wouldn't post this online, and find it funny and cute.

You live all of your life in the country, surrounded by locals and yet you don't speak and understand the language?

Why opt children out from speaking the local language? 

How dumb is that!

Language is really beautiful. Children who are bilingual and multilingual are smarter. 

It is not a secret that I speak, and write notes and text messages to my children in Bisaya. It's just the mister and I that they are incessantly exposed to the language, and even if their world has this significant proportion of English speakers, they continuously use our Filipino language when they speak to us or to anyone they know that understands it.

By the way, I don't post my kids' school achievements on any of my social media accounts. 

I am most proud that they are bilingual, and in fact I brag about this because they have been living in America all their lives. My daughter came here when she was 2. My son was born here. 

I remember when I still lived in the Philippines, the idea of English fluency (meaning: constantly spoken) correlates to belonging to a high financial footing in the society. 

READ: a rich kid!

So, even if some people I know that aren't in that high financial bracket, they encourage their children to speak the English language to show a pretentious affluence.

Now, that's dumber!

WTH

 I heard from the mister that our internet provider has a monthly limit. Beyond a certain internet data cap, we have to pay more. I don't know how much though. 

What the hello!

This means watching YouTube videos or Netflix series while working online isn't a great idea anymore. 

There are three of us using the internet on a daily basis. The mister has been working from home since March. Me---I've been online selling since 2000. The boy is working freelance as an illustrator. 

Oh no!

I don't like this. 

Do not trust words.

I trusted her in confidence, but she shared it to two other people. 

She asked for forgiveness, and I forgave her. 

She truly mattered. That was how I honestly felt towards her.

She did it again several times after that. I wasn't surprised, but I was worried. 

This time, I wasn't hurt as much as the first time. So, I let it pass. I still would like to think that she'd protect me and our friendship. 

But recently, she did it again. It did create doubts, and division between families and friends. 

From one mouth to several others, there were a few shots of alcohol that was added to the story. There was little left from the truth, but it was spicier. 

All the things she told and sent me, I kept them all to myself. Not even the mister knew about them.

She trusted me in confidence. 

I have no plans to talk to her, and clear things out. 

I am not mad at her, and I don't hate her. 

 ... because, more than anything, I am extremely disappointed in myself. 

I should've NOT trusted her words, but I should've never doubted her patterns.

TOL: Forgiveness

She was her name

She is one of the Filipino wives of the mister's colleagues. I only see her during company gatherings, but I am not really chatty with her.

In Spring of 2011, she added me on Facebook. But what's odd was in that summer, she approached me. She asked, "What's your name?"

Odd, right? If you don't know me or familiar with me, why would you add me on social media?

Even before the Corona Virus pandemic, I have been practicing social isolation. So, she only came to know me more on Facebook, and likewise. I only attend company events twice a year. For other gatherings, I can honestly say, we're not on the list. In previous post, I write that I am thankful for that, because there's no invitation to decline.

Sometimes, we would talk on private messenger. And the last time we chatted I vividly remembered that she asked to have a taste of my homemade breads. I willingly obliged.

I told myself to give her half dozen. Well, I have never given away my home baked goods in scarcity, and sometimes I also send another variety of bread like Ensaymada. Also, I usually enclose handwritten notes to send with it.

" Free return shipping if you're not happy or satisfied of these bread."

          "Didn't reach your expectations? Send it back. No hurt 'fillings'."

or

"In times like these, just bread in, and bread out."

Something like that.

Last January, a friend asked me to contact her husband through her. They're on the invite list for a 60th birthday top secret surprise celebration of our friend, Leo.

I tried to send her a message but this time, it didn't go through. Maybe, she deactivated her account. I was planning to bake Spanish bread one Sunday evening, and thought of sending her some. At long last, she'd be able to taste my homemade bread.

On February 29, I asked Dayang, also a wife of the mister's colleague if they're friends on Facebook, but she said they're not.

This time, I had a feeling that She blocked me.

Today, I learned that she blocked me indeed.

This isn't new to me. She also did this to another friend. In fact, in terms of relationship, they're closer.

I am baking bread again, and waiting for the dough to proof. There will be no bread put to waste, of course. Hehehehe.

We'll bread it in, and bread it out.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by LiLi (@missnalupa) on Jul 23, 2019 at 3:44pm PDT

Thank goodness! I am really thankful to those people who have made life easier.  Blocking me are her honest feelings towards my existence --- possibly just my online presence. Who knows.

There's no need of trimming the unnecessary fat anymore. They all just fell off  by themselves.

Lastly, good riddance, and thank you!

Layer by Layer

Hi.

I am still here. Just busy with other things.

Since the turn of 2019, I left Facebook. I loathed the noise there. There is so much bragging and showing off of wealth.

When the Notre Dame of Cathedral in Paris burned around the first quarter of the year, some of them posted photos of their trip there. What for? For me, they weren't sympathizing of what happened. Those posts are about them. "Hey! I've been there!" That's tacky!

I admire some of my family members and friends who didn't post any of their photos of the massive blaze though. 

That's class.

What happened to the world? Some even can't resolve conflicts privately.

"Some people are gradually undressing and revealing who they truly are, uncovering what lies deep within layer by layer."

Happy Thoughts

Look! I got an Estella Bartlett necklace from the mister last week because I really think I'm on top on the list of his happy thoughts.

I asked him what was the occasion, and he answered,

"It was on sale, and it's free shipping!"

Hehehehe.

In the Philippines, Valentine's Day is a big thing. I think it is just commercialized. Compared to the Philippines, it's not so big here in America.

In the previous years, I have seen countless pictures shared on Facebook on Valentine's Day of floral arrangements, cards, and gifts that people got from their significant others. There was also a comment I read in Filipino that said, "Good for you, you got something; I wasn't remembered, not even a single rose." The comment was left on a picture of roses, cards, and Pandora jewelry. By the way, the comment got deleted soon after. Hehehehe. I hope she realized that Pandora's jewelry isn't really that great. In my opinion, it's baduy.

*Sigh!

These people couldn't appreciate how they're treated for the rest of the year. Appreciate, for example, the times that you were able to sleep in an extra hour or two on weekends, and probably woke up with coffee and breakfast all ready for you. Those times when your partner helps you with laundry, or when he or she comes with you to the grocery or to a doctor's appointment. Or when he or she texted you just to say "hi." Aren't you thrilled with those things?

I am most thrilled when the people I love think of me. That's it!

Enjoy the weekend. I heart you for stopping by.

PS In other news, Valentine's day might be Rigby's special day. It's the day that his vet might take off his cast on his left hind leg. Yey.

Broken Promises

I told one person a secret, but before I did, I asked her if she promised to keep it to herself. It's not the dark kind though. She answered me that she will. I trusted her because I know her for over 40 years. Growing up, I always knew that she could keep the pact.

But recently, she has been breaking that pact for over five times already. I didn't remember her being a blabbermouth.

The last time she did it was last month, and I vividly remembered that she sent me a message,

"I am sorry. I will not do it again."

Of course, I believed her again. I forgave her even if at the back of my mind I knew that those words she sent me doesn't mean anything to her. 

Then yesterday, she slipped. She was telling me about a recent incident in her life, and that's when I knew she did it again! She broke that promised. 

AGAIN!

I have decided to stay away from her for awhile. 

Maybe, forever. 

The cycle is like in an abusive relationship. You forgive. You trust again. Then, boom! That person breaks that trust again. 

It hurts.

*deep sigh

My Heart Did a Titanic!

source

On special occasions, you always want to spend the day, and celebrate it intimitately with your family, or with your closest friends. You always want to mark the calendar with memories together with the special people in your life. Sometimes, even those random get-togethers are truly precious too because you spent it with people that you like.

Today, I got a birthday invitation, but there's a twist! The invitation made my heart leap for joy! That just meant I am special to the celebrant.

Ugh! Here comes the twist! She is hosting a network marketing party for her birthday! Then my heart did a total Titanic! It sunk!

WTH!

The invitation is actually a marketing ploy, and not because I am special to the person.  She wanted me to be a "potential" client to her networking business. I have nothing against the product, or the people behind it, I am not just interested. If I like the product, I'll go! But, this is the nth time that I am invited for a presention of this product.

This is the second time that this happened to me. The first was some years ago. It was a get-together of friends of the host and hostess. To everyone's surprise, after the potluck dinner, friends of the couple who we first met that night presented their product and services! We brought food and drove all the way to Washington D.C. from Frederick for a networking business presentation without our knowledge!

After that party, I forgave them. But they chose to erase my friendship from their lives. No hard feelings though from my end. I was not the one who tricked someone to go to a get-together with a money-making motive. The host and hostess claimed they were innocent! Oh well!

We are no longer friends with the people who did it before. Although this time, I am aware that the gathering is actually a business one, but still, I'd rather not go.

I make and keep friends because I like you and we get along. The invitation I got left a different taste in my mouth. I just didn't like it at all because I don't do business like that.