TOL: Compromise

In my 42 years, one month and 12 days of existence, I know I have changed a lot for the better. All these years, I have set my priorities and I stick with them. Coming to California was intended for immediate families, and a few friends that I consider family. They have always been a priority. In my daily prayers, it's them I asked God for. I even pray for Bob, who's our neighbor, not even a family, who was diagnosed with cancer last year.

True to all, some families just don't get along most of the time, but I can compromise. Remember? I have changed! Compromising was something I learned slowly in life. I admit, I WAS stubborn, and this change is something I preach to my children. I am really proud of the wisdom I have gained, and what I have become.

I did not insist to see Aunt Eula Lea, my mother's sister, because some are not comfortable with her. Honestly, she used to be very cool until a few years ago. I think she got depressed when her husband of over 50 years died of old age. She became a somewhat of a bully on Facebook. But, I really want to visit her. She's old, and I do not get to visit California often, where most of my families and relatives are settled.

Another family insisted to visit another Aunt, Leyterita. She's my mother's first cousin. Although visiting her was not really a part of my plan in this summer trip, I agreed to go. Where everyone goes, I go. There's no problem with me. I can compromise.

I did not insist on visiting Aunt Eula Lea. I understood why they are not comfortable with her.  It's one versus many.

They insisted on visiting Aunt Leyterita, I did not hesitate. If going out of our way to visit her is what they agreed on, I was okay with it. It's still me versus many.

In my heart, I just want to go straight to Bakersfield to visit my mother and my step-father. I want to spend the rest of our vacation in Bakersfield where the rest of my family is. I even called the mister's sister, Smile Lah to meet us there.

Aunt Leyterita kind of hurt me last year, but it was something I brushed off already. For me, it was so juvenile, and I opted to be the bigger person to understand where she was coming from. She's a senior netizen who's active on Facebook, and for some reason, misunderstand a photo/link I shared on my wall. She blocked me for it before even letting me explain it to her what it was all about. I honestly felt bad about it since I am sure I did not do anything wrong. I just wished she sent me a message, and gave me the chance to talk it out. The link was not pornographic, or in any way, violent. With her decision to block me, I did not, and do not hate her.

But for another family member to call me something that was meant to kill my spirit, was truly hurtful. So painful that I even thought that coming to California for two and a half weeks was a mistake. I felt broken and misunderstood to think that way, not really realizing that there were other family members that made me feel special too.

He said my ego was too high, and I needed to lower it. It was just because I was not keen on going to visit Aunt Leyterita. He said I need to change my attitude. There were more things he said. It was unexpected from this person. He always knew they are special to me, and him saying those things cuts deeper than a knife.

I answered him, "I do not force the things that you do not want to do," and just stopped there to hold myself from saying things I might regret later. I walked out of the room, and cried myself in my sister's guest room.

I did not see how high my ego was, and if it reached way above the ceiling, I have only enough just like most of us. I did not say NO in going to my aunt's house even if it was out of our way towards Bakersfield. I compromised. I understood. I accepted. ...and if how I behaved, as the changed me, was egotistic, then I do not think they have embraced the marvelous things I have changed about me.

I did not expect to be treated that way by this person. In my opinion, we are extremely close. We can spend hours, and sometimes close to a day just talking on the phone. Last year, I even fulfilled a promise that I told him and his wife in 2003. I will take bullets for them. It was who said it, and the way he said it was more painful. It might take awhile for me to be okay. I am wounded, but I am still alive. I am a work in progress. I will strive to be better.

I prayed that I will not feel the hurt, and just moved on from that incident. I do not hate this person. I just want to be genuinely accepted and happy again. After all, family will always be family.