TOL: Forgiveness

Why Jay?

My mother called me after she got the non-medical grade fabric face masks I sent her in California. I also reminded her not to go grocery shopping, and to have someone do it for her, and so many more reminders.

And then, out of the blue, she asked me why I chose Jay. She asked me that question maybe because the mister and I would be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary on the same date today, in March.

Her marriage with my father didn't work. From the outside looking in, it looked like it was a struggle to keep it afloat in the close to 30  years they were together. But most of those years, they spent them apart from each other. 

I really think that among her 4 children, that question was only thrown at me. 

"He didn't grab my things, or even offered to carry them for me one time he picked me up from my last class for the day (circa 1990, 2nd year in college). He didn't see me as helpless."

It was simple as that. 

I liked it that  he saw me as strong, and not as some damsel in pretend-distress.

He was  just different, unlike some guys that showed some interest in me.  

That gesture wouldn't make my heart pitter patter like in movies. I hated it. In fact, I'd get annoyed, and felt like I would want to puke. 

Such a major turn off.

Did I look helpless that they needed to carry my things? 

I didn't even like a guy who'd carry my purse even when I would need to go in the ladies room. 

And on top of him not treating me helpless, he didn't leave me even if I showed him my worst behavior, and most of those times they were unreasonable. 

The first time my father met him as my boyfriend, he got so worried. He was worried, not for me but for Jay.

It wasn't a secret in the family, in our neighborhood, and our entire clan that I had anger issues---that I was maldita kaayo (extremely mean). 

In a group of mean girls, I'd be the leader, except that I didn't think I was a bully. I fought bullies, but I always worked alone.

I didn't know how to express and communicate my feelings and my thoughts, but I could express them through anger and tantrums in words meant to kill spirits, and in evil looks and glances.

I didn't have close friends except for my siblings. 

But Jay treated me differently.  He treated me as his best friend.

When we were about at our 2nd decade of marriage, I really didn't put them into words all these years until my daughter asked him who's his best friend. 

"Your mama." he answered her proudly.

One time at a party, I couldn't find Jay, so I asked a friend Alan (RIP Alan) who I met at the stairs on his way up if the mister was downstairs. Then he yelled down and said, "Jay, gipangita ka sa imong kumander in chip!" (Jay, your commander in chief is looking for you.)

Was that a joke? 

I wasn't laughing. 

I also don't like when Filipino wives refers their husbands as their eldest son.

Come on! That's disrespectful to your mother-in-law. And even if it's a joke, it's still not funny. 

The mister treated me as his partner---with equal footing.

I am not Jay's commander. I am his partner.

He is not my eldest son. He is my partner. 

We are each others best friend. We are each others puzzle piece.

Those are some reasons why I chose him. 

Why are you here?

I had to drop packages at the post office on Tuesday. I could have scheduled a postal pick up the night before but it totally slipped my mind after packing packages late at night. I just went straight to sleep, then woke up so frustrated with myself.

I had no choice but go. It was a very important package bound to New York.

The grocery store was in the same complex as the post office, so I dropped by and bought some supplies and some plants for the front yard and for our vegetable patch.

The boy's best friend works there, Christian. The moment he saw me while I was on my

 way to the self check out counter, he said....

 "Tita Lili, why are you here? I told you guys that I can do the grocery shopping for you!" 

 When the mister started working from home a month ago, Christian sent me a text message and offered to buy supplies for us. He knew the boy's and my health condition --- we are immunocompromised.

The first people I made non-medical grade fabric face masks for were the boy's friends who are working in grocery stores.

By the way, Andrew, also their close friend who works with Christian, was also there. I heard Christian telling him,

"Did you say hi to Tita Lili?"

"I did." he answered.  "Hi again, Mrs. Divinagracia!" 

As what would Mr. Rogers say "Look for the helpers."  

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers—so many caring people in this world."  - Mr. Rogers 

In this time of pandemic, I don't have to look far for the helpers.